
I get 10 days paid vacation for the year, and recently used half of them for a trip to the tropical island of Boracay, in the Phillipines. To decide where to go, we basically googled best beaches in southeast Asia. Boracay was the place that showed up most often, so off we went.
We stayed for 6 nights and managed to pack a lot of stuff into what was ostensibly a “lay on the beach” vacation. I’ll do a quick rundown and then add a few pictures at the end.
1. There were so many good restaurants selling very reasonably priced food that we went light on breakfast and ate two lunches most days. Sometimes also two dinners.
2. I drank an obscene amount of San Miguel Pilsners, the delicious local brew that sells for around 60 cents a bottle.
3. Sunburn. I got sunburned. It felt good, except when it felt bad.
4. I spent large chunks of every day living in a Corona commercial.
5. Sunset was a major daily event, and we even once hired a private boat to take us closer to it.
6. Took advantage of our hotel’s free ocean kayaks. When you get tired of paddling, you can just float. Wonderful. So wonderful we did it a couple times.
7. It rained almost every day, but usually just for an hour or so in the evening.
7. Rainy season is actually great if you have a huge 4 chair and a table balcony at your hotel room equipped with wine, cheese, and Scrabble.
7. Three number sevens because I felt wildly lucky to be there.
8. The main mode of transport is a small carriage attached to a motorcycle that costs about 50 cents per ride.
9. Watched a baby monkey play with the big monkeys.
10. Should have taken more pictures, as I think about the monkeys.
11. Hired a private sailboat with two crew members for 3.5 hours to takes us sailing around the island and snorkeling. Cost: about $30.
12. The cost of living well in the Phillipines is very low. It’s unfortunate you have to work in a first world country to get paid first world wages.
13. Went several times to a bar with live music called the “Hobbit House”. Most of the staff were… uh, “little people”. Could not decide how I felt about finding this funny. They had to have done it on purpose, right?
14. Ann got beachside massages every day for like $3 each. I went to no less than three spas wherein I giggled throughout a pedicure, got a facial treatment for sunburn, and read trashy magazines. At the time, I swore Ann to secrecy, but I’ve now decided the world can know, no matter how shiny my toenails still are.
15. Almost forgot that I got my ears candled waxed. You lay down on your side and the spa lady sticks an 8 inch cone in your ear and sets the fat end on fire. Physics cause all the wax in your ear to be sucked into the cone. I had about half a crayon worth of wax in each ear. I think Crayola would have called the color “Burnt Popcorn” in the 96 pack.
16. Completely missed a regional flight from Manila to Boracay because it rained in Manila and a normally 10 minute cab ride took over 2 hours. The road totally flooded and traffic was literally a parking lot. It was such a flooded parking lot that children splashed and played in between cars while adults sold refreshments and tried to wash windshields.
17. Heard dozens of languages being spoken. Boracay is really, really international. A few quick profiles:
18. A guy from Saudi Arabia talked to a European about how drinking alcohol is illegal in his country, over beers in a beach side bar.
19. The Phillipines has the 5th most English speakers, but lots of Filipinos speak a dialect of Tagalog, which sounds a lot like Spanish. I tried speaking Spanish to several locals, but it didn’t work out. It’s OK, language difficulties are not new for me.
20. I lost it every time at the hotel when these Swedish parents scolded their toddler for doing something he wasn’t supposed to. Swedish is a hilarious/adorable sounding language.
21. Spent a (very late) night with an American who has been working “private security” in Iraq for 5 years. He gets paid low 6 figures and also gets 3 months of vacation a year. Did not have the heart or stomach to ask about any details of his job, but he was one of the most outwardly happy people I met in Boracay.
22. Did not leave with a good impression of Manila (stayed there one night). Extremely noisy and dangerous looking city. If you go to the 7/11 on the corner, you are greeted by someone wielding an enormous assault rifle. Everywhere you look, you see enormous assault rifles. I was later told that Manila is not actually dangerous, it just gives that impression.
23. I had a pack of vacation cigarettes in my pocket when I went through security at the airport.. The guard frisked me and asked me if he could have one. I said “yes”, but only because he referred to me as “friend”.
24. Drove a jet-ski for the first time. Was reminded of the Daniel Tosh stand-up bit about how it’s impossible to not look happy while riding a jet-ski. I tried to put on a serious face when I gunned it down a flat patch of water, but I broke into a smile 1.5 seconds later. Daniel Tosh was right.
25. Ann and I had a great time. Boracay is awesome.


